Going Backwards on the Deconstruction Train

trusting my unique journey

I’m listening to

Sarah Bessey

’s Field Notes for the Wilderness right now. This book has been on my list of “I should read this” for a few months, but I finally put a hold on it on Libby after a trusted friend told me that the things I’m writing about here at Beyond the “Bear” Necessities resonate similarly with Sarah’s words. My friend was more right than I could have imagined, and I’ll need to buy my own physical copy because there are so many points I’d like to underline, highlight, mark-up, and make my own notes about.

I don’t use the word “blessing” very often. It’s a heavy word to me, full of negative connotation, as it often feels dismissive of pain and of those who might not feel God’s favor (me!). However, I like this definition I found online for the word “blessing”: a beneficial thing for which one is grateful; something that brings well-being. So I mean it when I say this book has been a blessing to receive. As someone in The Wilderness, listening to Sarah’s words feels about as comforting as hugging my mom for the first time was after a year of not (thanks to Covid). Sarah’s words are a connection I've been missing for so long, a balm to my parched, confused, weary and wandering soul. There have been at least three chapters so far that have left me with big alligator tears streaming down my face, feeling seen by someone who doesn’t even know me. I wish I’d have had these words 6+ years ago, and I’m so thankful to have them now.

I guess I find myself going a little backwards on this faith deconstruction train, which is curious to me, but also fine, since I didn’t exactly set out to deconstruct my entire faith in the first place. I think it is only fair to give myself every opportunity to hear wise words from those (safe people) who have been in similar faith places as I have been these last years. KJ Ramsey was my first window. Now Sarah Bessey. And I have a Rachel Held Evans book in queue.

You might be wondering why I’m reading Deconstruction books written by those who still claim(ed) a Jesus-focused faith. I think what I’ve realized is that even though I feel that my faith left without my permission and that God fired me, I’m not willing to give up without making damn sure I’ve done my due diligence and looked under every rock and pebble I can find first. Not that I’m looking to keep Christianity as I claimed it before (I’m not). Let me be clear on that - no matter what, any faith I may have by the end of this “process” (if there ever is an end, I don’t know!) will undoubtedly look different than the Christian faith I had in my 20s. But I owe it to my past, present, and future self to read and consider whatever I know comes from a place of love and acceptance, not guilt and shame. I’m not looking for an alter call; I’m looking for a loving conversation with anyone (including any divine being) willing to listen and converse in love, gentleness, and validation.

Sarah Bessey has a way with her words that helps me trust it’s okay. It’s all okay. Staying curious and gentle with myself and the path I’m on is key. The journey that I’m on is exactly where I need to be. It’s okay to question and wonder. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay.

That is so HUGE to hear and embrace.

It’s okay.